bloodxalibi's Xanga

When it comes to relationships, are you afraid of commitment?

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 11:10:21 GMT

OMG! Maybe saying this will sound so childish or immature, but.....I'm so happy my question got featured! It's so radical (that was my friend's word)! Anywayz, I think we should get on with answering my own damn question...

When one really loves someone with all their heart, commitment won't be hard. Because being commited to a person simply means sacrificing things like time spent with your friends or family, certain amounts of money, and being a jerk just cuz you felt like it.

I was gonna say that I'm not afraid of commitment in this post, but...I think the reason I posted this question was because, I think I am afraid of commitment. *sigh* Well, maybe not to a very large extent, but at least, I can sense that I at least, on some level, is afraid of commiting to someone I like/love.

It's not like I don't want to; I guess somehow it's just a little harder than anyone else. Also, the fact that I sometimes enjoy solitary contributes to this.

Or maybe...I just haven't met the right person in my life yet...But let's just hope I will soon. :D

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This Celluloid Dream

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 10:10:08 GMT

1. Put your iTunes on shuffle.

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

(3. You must write that song name down no matter how silly it sounds.
4. Tag your friends who might enjoy doing the game as well as the person you got the note from.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. If someone says "Is this okay," you say?
In Pieces - Linkin Park

2. What would best describe your personality?
Nobody's Home - Avril Lavigne

3. What do you like in a guy/girl?
Speed of Sound - Coldplay

4. How do you feel today?
Little Sister - Queen of the Stone Ages

5. What is your life's purpose?
Lonely World - Limp Bizkit

6. What is your motto?
P5hing Me A*wy - Linkin Park

7. What do your friends think of you?
I'm Just A Kid - Simple Plan

8. What do you think about very often?
Bad Day - Daniel Powter

9. What is 2+2?
In The End - Linkin Park

10. What do you think of your best friend?
Modern Way - Kaiser Chiefs

11. What do you think of the person you like?
I'm With You - Avril Lavigne

12. What is your life story?
Blood Brothers - Papa Roach

13. What do you want to be when you grow up?
When I'm Gone - Eminem

14. What do you think when you see the person you like?
Time To Dance - Panic! At The Disco

15. What do your parents think of you?
Yule Shoot Your Eye Out - Fall Out Boy

16. What will you dance to at your wedding?
Crying Soul - DJ Splash

17. What will they play at your funeral?
One Step Closer - Linkin Park

18. What is your hobby/interest?
Rave Techno - DJ Mangoo

19. What is your biggest secret?
The Carpal Tunnel of Love - Fall Out Boy

20. What do you think of your friends?
Take My Hand (remix) - The Cab

21. What's the worth thing that could happen?
Try Not To Remember - Sheryl Crow

22. How will you die?
Dedicated (demo 1999) - Linkin Park

23. What is the one thing you regret?
Life In Technicolor - Coldplay

24. What makes you laugh?
Moment - Aidan

25. What makes you cry?
Cold And Jaded - Adema

26. Will you ever get married?
Hum Hallelujah - Fall Out Boy

27. What scares you the most?
Make A Sound - Autopilot Off

28. Does anyone like you?
Makes Me Wonder - Maroon 5

29. If you could go back in time, what would you change?
What Goes Around...Comes Around - Justin Timberlake

30. What hurts right now?
Control Myself - LL Cool J ft. J Lo

31. What will you post this as?
This Celluloid Dream - AFI

I know, a lot of these don't even friggin make sense, but whatever. ^-^

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 11:59:55 GMT

I apologize to all for my hiatus. Hah. First I had camp and I forgot to mention it before I went; when I realized I've forgotten it was already too late. I laugh at my stupidity and forgetfulness. Then, when I got back, there was so much homework I had to do, and essays to write...argh. Life and its events can be crushing sometimes.

Anywayz, I'm in the writing club in school, and our homework last week was to write at least 2 "100 Words" pieces, and, being this natural procrastinator I am, I left the work to the last days. What I didn't expect was that the teacher (who was our English teacher) called it "devastating." I think it was his way of saying it's good, cuz that's what he also said. I'm not sure how it's really like, so here they are for your scrutiny:

1: "Selective Recall"

In the dying sunlight of dusk, Cheyenne walked across the road. There was a flash of blinding headlights. Horrified screams. Car doors slamming. Quick footsteps. On the road she laid, bleeding from a head wound, helpless, lonely. No stars but one tonight...or was that just another streetlamp? Then it blinked away; her world melted into darkness.

Days later Cheyenne woke up. Pretending to be asleep, she was listening to the doctor's whispers to a guy.

"...she remembers everything but you...the chances of recalling are slim...we'll try our best..."

He seemed devastated, his grey-eyed stare fixed on Cheyenne. She ignored him.

2. Love or Vengeance?

They gazed at each other. One vicious golden amber, one wretchedly plain brown.

"W-why are you doing this to me?"

"No choice."

Then there was dead silence.

One more down. She smirked, her tawny fox ears twitching delightedly. She'd always loved this feeling of control, of revenge. Swishing her furry russet tail, she ducked away into the night, away to Empress to report elatedly.

Years later. She married a guy who knew nothing. She didn't care. All she cared was to satisfy that yearning within, to revenge for her mother's untimely death.

Yet she didn't know she was already lost.

100 Words is basically an exercise where you have to write a story with exactly 100 words. It might sound pretty easy, but, well, in reality it isn't. It took me quite a while to write those (even if they may not look that way).

In the second story, in the opening lines it said "one vicious golden amber, one wretchedly plain brown." Actually what I wanted to say was that one's eyes were golden, and the other's were brown, but since I was editing my story to cut it to 100 words, I rewrote my first sentence from "They gazed into each other's eyes" to "They gazed at each other." How idiotic was I. But I guess the mistake worked as well, cuz I describe one as "tawny" and "russet," which are yellowish colors. So it would work as the golden one. lol.

What is your favorite thing about the fall season?

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 11:03:00 GMT

Hmm . . . not sure how to answer this question. My favorite seasons are fall and winter even though it gets so cold you don't wanna get out of bed in the morning, but then again it's better than sweating like hell while the midday sun beats down on you, then smelling like an onion factory by the end of the day.

The scenery here in Hong Kong doesn't really change throughout the seasons. The trees either look super green or totally leafless and dead like trees you see in horror stories. :D So I guess I can't say I like the red leaves or autumn.

Maybe it's just the weather. Cool. Not too hot, not too cold. Neutral. Just right. Perfect weather for basically anything. The sky everyday is all grey and drab, perfect. And the occasional sprinkle from the skies are welcomed too. And it gets windy too. It's even better than aircon.

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List

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 10:58:28 GMT

Today I've decided that I need to make a special list for myself - a list that tells the things I have in my life, and the things that I don't.

So, the things that I have or are able to do:
- non-broken family
- sufficient money (at least my parents do)
- proper education
- pretty good friends
- a complete set of limbs
- I can see (but I need help from contacts), I can hear (but I suspect my hearing is deteriorating), I can smell, and I can speak
- I find enjoyment in reading and sometimes writing
- goals
- food and beverages everyday
- companionship
- being nice when I want to (?)

And the things that I don't have or can't do but want: (And, you know what, I'm being completely honest here. Trust me.)
- a boyfriend (so shallow, right?)
- the ability to have better sport skills
- faster reflexes
- social skills
- to take things more non-personally
- staying calm; not so easily angered
- sarcasm
- perfect eyesight
- height (yes, physically)
- in general, a better face
- to stop caring so much about what others say
- being emotionally strong
- to know what to say and how to act at the right time
- leadership; not following the crowd like a sightless sheep
- good memory
- less laziness or slacking
- determination
- less greediness and less selfishness
- acceptance (sorta)
- happiness (sorta)
- daredevilness
- money
- CDs, CD player with awesome stereo, proper earphones
- a faster, better laptop
- more brainpower
- the ability to turn back time or to go back in time (yes, those two are different)
- the ability to take back actions that I've done
- knowing the truth about everything (and by saying that, I mean EVERYTHING)
- love
- play guitar and/or drums like a pro, in other words, to be as good as a person in a famous band such as Linkin Park, Green Day, etc :) but i know i'll take a long, long time to get there :D
- sing (sorta)
- bravery
- studying school work and, for now, piano shit, EVERYDAY
- a person who likes me for who I am
- go and live in LA! <3
- to meet a certain person again ( . . . where we have to engaged in a situation where we somehow have to get to know each other, like, you know, when we're grown up and we happen to work in the same company or something . . . :D)
- to know what I want
- to say "no" when I have to. and to voice my opinion more around people that I don't agree with.
- parents that allow more freedom and give me more pocket money XD
- fuckin freedom from my disgusting helper - I just really hate the way she acts. she has serious problems with her brain. if she ever has a kid, I have literally got no idea how he/she'll survive the 18 years he/she has to be stuck with her. really.
- basically to be able to do whatever I want, for the most part
- to travel to anywhere I want!
- a LOT of self-confidence
- patience
- to be able to stay un-irritable for a longer period of time
- to be less depressed/sick of myself
- to think before I act
- anything that I write about will come true
- the ability to make certain people suffer
- the ability to know if a person is telling the truth and if they are telling a lie and how often they're lying . . .

And my list can probably go even longer than that.

As you can see, the number of my "wants" are way more than my "haves." Sad. I hope that doesn't mean I'm a greedy person; I'm just not really satisfied with my life I guess.

Damn! =(

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 12:33:01 GMT

I just type this great entry titled "Do looks really matter that much?" and cuz I was using the Apple Browser Safari, I accidentally clicked on the "Photobucket" link on the top of my page (it's one of my favs or something). And obviously it brought me there. And I lost the damn entry. It's getting pretty long already; I was close to saving it already. Ugh. I'll never use Safari again - accidents happen to often on here. I'm pissed.

If you wanted to erase one of your memories, which would it be and why?

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 13:39:26 GMT

Actually, I don't know why I clicked "answer this question." I don't even have an answer for this. :D

I'd like to keep all my memories, good AND bad. I mean, of course I would want to forget certain things, the bad memories from my past, but even those bad things - they've helped shape you. They've help you to achieve who you are today. And besides, if those bad stuff haven't happened, a lot of subsequent things wouldn't have happened after them. And I'm not just saying that those bad stuff have motivated me into, say, being a better student or something like that.

Here's a story to help to understand what I mean . . .

You just got beaten up by your unfaithful boyfriend again. Walking downstairs into the busy street, you dragged yourself to the park across the road and, walking to a deserted spot, you crashed down into the metal park benches with its peeling pale blue paint, trying to swallow the tears stinging your eyes. But you didn't succeed. The levee of not-crying-for-twelve-years broke, and fresh tears just kept coming. It was like you could never stop.

Your head was in your hands; you tugged at your hair furiously while wiping your eyes roughly, trying to make yourself stop. Then, a pair of converses appear in your eyes. Surprised, you looked up and saw your high school sweetheart who you still dreamt about, standing there, looking down at you concernedly. Your heart skip a beat.

"Hey, long time no see," he said, smiling a little, sitting down beside you on the bench, snaking his arm around your waist and bringing you closer to him. "What happened?"

Choked with tears, you could hardly reply. But he was patient, and, as the flow of tears slowly petered out, you whispered, head on his shoulder. "It was h-him again. My goddamn boyfriend. I'm sorry."

"Just leave him . . . won't you do that for me?" he said, stroking your bruised arm. "Why do you stay with him anywayz if he's such a jerk . . ."

"Everytime he finishes he just tells me 'I love you babe' and all that crap and sweet talk me into staying again. I know . . . I'm so gullible, but I couldn't help it. And besides, I've got nowhere to go to; it's his house I'm living in . . ."

"It's okay," he said, as you sat up slowly, stretching. "I'll deal with him. And you can move in with me if you want."

You stared at him, into his gorgeous brown eyes, his dark hair that had a mohawk feel to it. You really wanted to know how would he "deal" with your bf, but for now . . . you really didn't want to think about it, and all you really wanted to do was to . . . get intimate with your ex, this angel that seemingly appeared right in front of you, just because you decided to go to the park across from your abusive bf's house that you've never been to . . .

Okay, I know a story like that was totally unnecessary, but once I started I couldn't stop. I just, you know, like to visualize and write down very ideal situations like those and imagine they would happen. (Even though I know something as perfect as that would NEVER EVER happen in real life.)

Well, anywayz, you get what I mean about how bad things can lead to the happening of a good thing, right? :D

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Musings

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 10:36:04 GMT

I pondered over life today. And came to this conclusion, that, everyone needs to be good at something. Everyone need something that will make them se nd out from the crowd. That "thing" we're good at can literally be anything, whether it's a sport, being funny, computer hacking, origami, drawing, rocking out on your guitar, being able to type at 100 wpm, or doing any dare asked by anyone. It can be anything BUT academic work. That is the thing I came to see today.

Why? You ask. Isn't getting straight As a good thing? Well, my answer is, when you're 19 and in university or college, being smart will be a really awesome, kickass thing that you'll appreciate having, especially when you're in a good university like Harvard, Yale, Cambridge or any other good school, anywhere in the world. However, when you're still in freakin HIGH SCHOOL, getting good grades wouldn't seem like something that one would appreciate. Because, all being a good student will bring you, is being categorized as a "nerd." How sad is that. :/

When a person can swim 200 meters without stopping, without being out of breath even and winning some damn medal, well, you gotta be impressed, right? And when the person climbs out of the pool, looking so relaxed cuz they KNOW they've done well and looking kinda smug (or, even if they aren't showing it, they certainly ARE feeling like they are on top of the world at that moment, and everybody knows it). At that moment, whoever that's in the pool or has competed with that person, will get the feeling that they aren't good enough. And, you know what? That's pretty humiliating, even if it doesn't SEEM like it. Now, people will be praising that person, especially behind that person's back. Well, maybe they wouldn't be doing it all the time, but when the topic of chatter veers towards swimming or sports in general, the praising is inevitable and unavoidable.

A (who kinda sucks at swimming but likes to boast): "Yeah, next week I'm going to swim at the interschool competition."

B (sucky at a lot of stuff so naturally is impressed with a lot of stuff and people): "Really? OMG you're so good. *turns to A* Hey remember last time when C swam in the pool? He/she was SOOO fast! Like, seriously!"

C (the really fast swimmer; pretends to be modest but inside he/she is incredibly smug about themselves): "Yeah, well, it's nothing. By the way, I train three times a week."

B: "OMGOMGOMG!"

And it doesn't even have to be swimming. It could be anything.

Now try to imagine this happening in a classroom, where the "nerd" got 100% percent. Obviously everyone will feel the same when they know that the "nerd" has achieved perfection again, but, obviously no one is gonna praise them for that . . . right? Well, maybe the nerd's so called friends will, or his/her fellow nerds will, but general people WON'T. They just won't. Probably cuz they don't want to be classified as nerds, too, or something . . . how stupid. But I suppose it's understandable. Cuz no one wants to be a nerd. It's like THE most uncool thing ever. At least, in high school, that's what people think, because there are a shitload of extremely superficial people present, and all that's on their minds, are either how to be pretty/how to be hot, how to get the attention of that cute guy/girl in my english class, how to remain popular, and how to diss people, both in their face and behind their backs. How shallow. How pathetic.

So, even though I don't really like being a nerd, but I know my good grades are my golden ticket to UCLA (that's where I wanna go). Even though I have to endure pretty shitty stuff right now, it's most likely worth all the hardships and uphill struggles I had to go through. lol . . .

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Tue, 07 Oct 2008 09:40:43 GMT

I'm going to meet my mom's friend's kids tonight, along with my own family. The kids, Jack and Angie, well, I've met them before, but it was around five years ago. So I don't really remember how they look like, especially their faces. But I think I still vaguely remember that Jack's hair was spiky and black, and Angie's was something like a dark brown, curling slightly at the ends around the middle of her neck. Something like that. I truly don't remember...admittedly, I have a bad memory. Pretty forgetful.

Anywayz, I don't think I just continue talking about stuff in my life cuz the things that happen, or will happen in the future, aren't exactly interesting. My life is pretty mundane, to tell the truth.

Btw, random story below....................

He looks at her. Her, with her long raven hair blowing out in the November wild. She stares back for a fraction of a millisecond. And looks down. Pretending she's not interested. Pretending she doesn't care. But she does care . . . and more than one could ever imagine.

She ignors him pointedly the whole day. And the pattern coninues for a long, long while. Until, he comes up to her, not with a demanding attitude, simply determined to get the answer to his question.

Why are you ignoring me? Was it something that I've done? He asks, voice clear, with barely manifest uncertainty, and by a long shot the best thing she's ever heard. And his accent. Something unforgettable.

She turned away. She stared at the floor. Like she doesn't care.

I'm not ignoring you. And no, you haven't done anything to me. I just have to isolate myself from everybody. She stares into the distance, across the expanse of grass, all waving their arms in the chilly wind, with a muted green under the sunless, grey sky.

No. Seriously. He grabs her shoulders with his hands. Looks into her eyes. Like he's looking desperately for answers. Why? Then, abruptly, he drops his hands almost guiltily to his side. Closes his eyes. Crosses his arms.

I'm sorry. The girl says.

The boy's eyes remains closed. Then he answers.

It's okay. Don't say that.

Rambles, basically.

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 16:29:22 GMT

I don't want to sound so stupidly depressed, but I feel like I'm being ignored, like, everywhere. Almost literally. :\ And you know what's the worst thing? I don't even know how that happened. And my parents are no better than anyone else either. They're just...Idk. Mean. I guess they're just too quick-tempered. And too candid. And they demand so much. Sometimes I don't know what they're thinking, what on earth is going on in their damn heads...

But I don't want to turn this into some "pity me" post, cuz they're plain pathetic. Really. If you want sympathy, earn it, don't beg it.

But be prepared, this is gonna be rambles. Read my other posts if you want more high-qua stuff. Really. (Not like they're truly of high quality...I'm just saying they might be better than reading crap like this one...)

Anywayz, I've just finished this book, called "The Undomestic Goddess," by Sophie Kinsella. Great book. I kinda like her style I guess, even if her books are just chick flick stuff. But now I'm on this book, reccommended by someone, "The Road," by Cormac McCarthy. It's got an interesting plot I guess. I'm on around page 75 now. But sometimes the things that happened in the book freaks me out a little. XD

Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to meet someone who really loves me for who I am. Not including my parents I guess...but even they can hurt me too, sometimes. Not physically; they aren't that type of people. But mentally. Emotionally. I remembered distinctly, that, once, my mom told me, "You're not pretty." And it just struck me, "Yeah, even parents have to be mean too, sometimes." Or maybe they're just telling the truth...I don't know. But either way, I don't care that much. It's not like I don't like my parents, it's just that I don't think they're giving me enough space to breathe, you know. It's like they want to control my every movement. Okay, maybe I exaggerated a little there, but, well, it's actually kinda true to a certain extent. How fuckin sad.

But seriously, I've got NO idea if anyone will like me for exactly who I am. Jesus.

And for the other shit in my life...well, you've got no idea how much stuff in my life I want to change. Like, seriously. I've got tons. No kidding.

Sometimes, when I look back at my life, and look at how my life is now, I can't believe how fuckin fucked up I am.

Okay, so that DID sound like a freakin "pity me" post. Stupid, stupid, stupid. But...how could I have helped it, when those things are the only stuff on my mind? I just wish I had Prozac. Really.